Holding Safe Space During Emotional Intensity
What to do when emotions run high in sharing circles, spiritual groups, or talking with a friend over tea ~ for them, and for us
The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, How to Be in Circle ~ forgotten etiquette for sacred gatherings, and touches on the very personal nuances of conducting ourselves while another member is moving through an intense emotional processing experience - the hard stuff and the good stuff. From my time spent as both a group facilitator and as a sensitive participant at many gatherings, I can easily say that some of these concepts may seem unexpected. Perhaps a bit counterintuitively, our most effective means of support for another is to actually focus on ourselves first.
While this book is geared toward the hosts and members of sacred gatherings, healing circles, or ceremonial groups, the guidance shared here might also be applied to one-on-one situations as well, such as deep conversations with a friend over tea.
When Emotions Run High
Depending on the purpose of the circle and the type of medicinal intentions set for it, the potential for the release or expression of strong emotions is quite possible. Full sobbing, panic attacks, trauma responses, deep belly laughter, ecstatic joy, or even complete dissociation are some of the natural ways people may move through the work at hand. It can feel deeply moving, even triggering, to feel someone else's raw emotion expressed, especially while perhaps feeling tender or sensitive from your own circle processing. There may be a real palpable feeling of heavy density in the room, frenetic and wild energy, or a light giddiness of the dizzying sort.
As a witness to another person moving through intense emotional processing, there are some very effective and important ways to support rather than inadvertently contribute to the energy being navigated.
Immediately ground yourself. Adding a calm, loving, and anchored energy will be felt by those around you and the one needing it most. Dropping into a soft compassionate heart, noticing your breath, and feeling the physical connection that your body is making with the cushions or seat that you are in is a quick way to do this. There is a strong impulse for many people to instead reach out with their energy, awareness, or physically try to comfort a struggling member. What can happen however, is that it can inadvertently create a whole new level of intensity. Imagine melting down in a room of 30 people who then all begin imposing new energy and intentions onto you instead of holding a strong, safe, contained, and energetically mindful presence. While our reaching out might be done with good intentions, it can block what is needing to come up and out for clearing, become overwhelming sensory input, or take the person further than they are ready to go.
Responding with a personal grounding practice instead also helps protect yourself from accidentally being triggered or shaken, even while still feeling deeply moved in your heart. Should the energy be one of heightened joyousness or intense gaiety, grounding yourself also helps safeguard from inadvertent over-activation of your nervous system. In this way, we are more able to consciously share in their elevated emotion without tipping ourselves out of balance.
Part of a facilitator or guide's role is to tend to the group as a whole as well as to each individual as needed. Tending to yourself in these cases also lends support to whatever healing work is being done between the facilitator and the one in need. Even if externally it looks like not much is happening - typically something is.Watch for cues from the facilitator if they look for a box of facial tissues to pass on, are suggesting someone to put a hand on their back or touch feet to help ground them, or if a companion is being sought to sit with the one in need somewhere outside of the circle. Depending on the level of activation or trauma response, the circle guide may employ a variety of supportive techniques according to their level of experience. Unless they are wholly unequipped for the level of need being presented, it is best to follow their lead rather than imposing what we might think is best. Trusting your medicine person, host, teacher, or wisdom guide has adequate and appropriate training is both an act of respect as well as helping to maintain the integrity of the circle’s container for safe working.
After any initial tending work has completed and the circle activities commence once again, if a struggling member doesn’t seem to be truly settling, you might feel out if it would be supportive - and if you feel fortified enough - to quietly catch their eye and gesture inquire if they are okay or are inviting more support. You might then find a non disruptive opening to bring them a glass of water, or offer a small snack, or if it’s really needed, take them outside during a break and find a tree to lean up against. No debriefing or re-entry into the emotions through continued discussion are necessary. The suggestion here is not one of counsel but of calm energetic presence.
Processing Our Own High Emotions
A friend of mine once said to me, "When you see the medicine, run to it." and it has stuck with me ever since. It is absolutely appropriate here too. This is not to say to invite becoming overwhelmed to the point of stopping the circle as a habit, more so to allow yourself to be engaged and moved fully by the medicine work the circle is intended for. Step fully in. If you do find yourself experiencing emotions strong enough that proceedings pause, let some part of you know that others are moved and healed for witnessing it. That you are well held by their tender hearts. If possible amidst what you are experiencing, feel out for the strength and grounding available to you by the nature of the gathered circle. Accept support or guidance offered.
At the same time, unless the circle is intended for time spent with individuals in a concentrated healing process, such as those with 1:1 therapy or counselling components, know that you can pick up and continue your healing experience and deepen it further, after the circle has closed and in the days following. This way, we are more able to balance ourselves and return to the flow of the circle while also not stunting the personal work that came up.
As a general, people often tend to get “stuck in the story" and may even seem to become seduced by their own drama. There is a neuroscientific basis for this as recent studies have revealed human brains are rather geared for problem solving, and therefore may contribute to us gravitating to real or perceived problems. It is rooted in both our physiology as well as psychology:
Drama increases the release of endorphins, the pain-reducing pleasure-inducing compounds generated from our pituitary and hypothalamus. The effects have a commonality with those of opioids.
When highly activated states are a constant in one's life; excitement, stress, exorcise, fear etc., the resulting generation of adrenaline can easily become physically addictive while also feeling emotionally familiar.
Sometimes, we don't know how else to be. We create an attachment to the story, or to feeling victim or hard-done-by in general, and it becomes a way of Being or part of our identity.
Given all of this, we can see how sometimes it might be hard for us, or others, to shift out of a highly emotional state. We want to support such healing moments as they arise without the detriments of lingering too long in them.
About the Book
How to Be in Circle covers a wide range of unspoken or little discussed aspects of medicinal groups, for both facilitators as well as participants. With everything from gaining consent around embracing or touching sacred objects, to navigating when and what might be placed on an altar, even what to do when we are annoyed by another participant, if we fall asleep while someone’s talking, or really, really want time with the teacher afterward.
It’s intended as a safe haven to re-member what has been forgotten of etiquette through gentle teachings on how to navigate group dynamics, general common elements to expect, and personal ways to deepen our medicinal experiences within spiritual gatherings. In this way, How to Be in Circle, offers us an opportunity to more fully receive the spiritual nourishment that we seek within a group setting while respecting and honouring our fellow participants, and importantly, our facilitators.
It also acts as a major support for facilitators of community ceremonies, sharing circles, and other soul tending or sacred work done within a group setting, be they held in-person or online. As a resource provided to your attendees, relief can be found from commonly accepted burdens that modern spiritual teachers have become expected to carry. In this book we address situations such as: holding sacred space through disruption, keeping the collective on topic, ensuring mindful observance during sharing time, protecting a facilitators time and energy before, during, and after gathering, supporting various participant needs, and conveying a sense of what behaviours are, and are not, acceptable within a circle. These are concepts meant to be held by those coming to sit with you, rather than as additional ways for you to "manage" group dynamics. To this end, you are most welcome to refer to this book as supportive material, in your recommended reading lists, and invite your participants to read, How to Be in Circle, before arriving to your next gathering.
Tucked up in her cottage on the west coast of Canada, Juliette Jarvis lives as a Sacred Living Mentor, Best Selling Author, and Devotional Artist. She draws on 15+ years of hosting community ceremonies and immersion programs to write spiritually supportive books, articles, and magazine columns, while also creating hand woven ritual wear, hand spun string magic & ceremonial ceramics for tangible, soul-level medicine.
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